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Confession

Well, here I go again!  Let me tell you a little secret about myself:  I have CRAZY amounts of enthusiasm when starting a project (or goal).  Like, WOAH-crazy amounts!!!!!  With the amount of start-up energy I am able to generate with this enthusiasm, I could launch a rocket into outer space or possibly even power a small nation (singlehandedly).  Its true.  Pretty great quality to have, don't you think?

Enter:  THE PROBLEM.  The problem is, I start off strong but burn out SUPER fast.  I'm not known for my staying power when it comes to long-term goals.  This quality goes hand-in-hand with my extremely impatient tendencies as well.  However, I have come to accept this about myself.  I don't really sweat it anymore.  When I was younger, I would beat myself up after abandoning yet another goal that no longer interested me (long before it came to fruition, I might add).  Now, though, I'm either so used to it that it no longer bothers me, or I have reached a level of self-awareness that monks would envy.  (And while I would love for it to be the latter, let's be honest.... its most likely the former!)

This year, I actually set a knitting goal for myself, and that was to knit 12 pairs of socks (preferably in the format of one pair per month).  Here it is, only MARCH, the third month of the year, and my inner two-year old is already rebelling and flatly refusing to cast on for the March socks.  I have THOUGHT about it; and I've even roughly planned the type, pattern, yarn I will use, and needles I will need (as well as the intended recipient)... and yet, I now see that all of this mental planning has been nothing more than a cleverly designed distraction technique.  I realized this when I couldn't plan anymore; because I had everything selected, and yet, despite being FULLY READY to cast on in theory, I could not bring myself to pick up the needles and yarn to do so.

I wish I could say that this was a rebellion against knitting in general, because for some reason that would make me feel better to know that I wasn't knitting anything at all.  If the socks can't be knit, then NOTHING will be!  But, alas, this is not the case.  I've been knitting up a storm, working diligently on my awesome Osgood-inspired Doctor Who scarf (from "The Day of the Doctor"; I will post about this soon!).  I'm near half done with that baby, so why oh why haven't I started my socks?

Because I don't want to.  And because my knitting habits follow what I'm interested in THAT MOMENT.  At the beginning of the year when I set this goal to do 12 pairs of socks in 2014, that's what I wanted to do.  Right now, however, I just want to knit my Doctor Who scarf while watching online episodes of "The Lizzie Bennet Diaries" (okay, well I'm not watching those every day, but today I have been dealing with a fussy baby and therefore many rows of the scarf have been completed and many eps of TLBD have been watched).  I learned years ago NOT to set knitting goals or try to plan my knitting beyond my current project, because you just never know with me.  I'm totally into whatever I am into in that moment, and my knitting follows my impulsive nature.  By golly if I could control it I would!!!!

Basically what I am saying here is I have no self-discipline and no shame about it.  Knitting is my FUN place; it is my happy place.  I don't knit because I HAVE to.  I don't knit because I am trying to earn a degree or a medal or any other kind of distinguishing honor.  I knit because I LOVE IT.  I knit because it is FUN, and I genuinely derive great pleasure from it.  So perhaps it is a psychological thing; when I feel like I HAVE to do something, it sucks the fun out of it (hey, don't judge me for being childish; I already blamed this on my inner two-year old!!!).

So whatevs.  For the moment, I am shelving the 12-in-2014 goal.  I'm not giving up on it, just yet (but I'm not giving up on the idea of giving up, either, which is to say I still might give up on it).  Right now I am digging the scarf, and also a Hufflepuff scarf that I started in January as well.  I'm oddly all about the scarves right now, after adamantly swearing never to knit one ever again a few years ago (after knitting several in a row; however, having a knitter swear not to knit a scarf is like having a baker swear not to bake a cake...its just not realistic).

There you go.  Confession really is good for the soul; I feel better for having shared this oh-so-important glimpse into my life here on this blog.  And I feel relieved of the guilt I was harboring over NOT knitting socks and working on my scarves instead.  Really, I think I am just going to give credit to Joseph Campbell here, because I am choosing to follow my bliss (well, what my bliss is in this moment, anyway).  See what I mean?  Self-awareness of a monk!!!


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